August 29, 2024

I have had this partially written for a long time, but I didn't feel it was complete until now.

April 19th.  I know it's a very random date to most, but it isn't to me. No, that date isn't someone in my family's birthday. And it isn't someone's anniversary. While there may be a celebration marking April 19, 2024 for the people this directly affects, for me, there is no exuberant celebration. There are no loud shouts. No fireworks or balloons. There is only a calm that has settled in my spirit. It is a prayer of reassurance. It's a peace I do not understand, but that I long for every single day. It is the gentle reminder that there is a hope that I can grasp on days when this journey to healing seems hopeless.

I am going to have to go back several years in order for this to make sense. 

Everyone knows that Keeton was a bit on the small size. Ok, not a "bit." The boy was tiny for his age. He was self-conscious about his size. I know what you are thinking, "Keeton, loved being the center of attention. There's no way he had issues with how people viewed him." Oh, but he did. And it wasn't just his size. He didn't learn like his classmates. Classwork took him twice as long or longer to complete. He also struggled with hearing and speech. After multiple surgeries, he still had some hearing loss. And because he struggled to hear certain sounds, he didn't pronounce words correctly. He had to attend speech therapy. In Keeton's eyes, he was broken. And we all know that children are not always the nicest to those who are different. Keeton never understood that because he was everyone's friend.  Even after a child tried to push his head into the toilet because he was bigger, Keeton made it his mission to make that child his friend. Keeton was going to be everyone's friend. You were going to be Keeton's friend too. You just didn't know it. Yet!

So Keeton was struggling with all of this, and he didn't think God could use him. He shared all of this with his pappy, and Pappy gave him a word of knowledge. He told Keeton that God was going to give him a song. He would connect to that song in such a way that it would seem as if the song was written just for him. That song would be written in a way that the lyrics would become a prayer. 

About a week or so later, we were on the way home from school. The boys were chattering away about their days, and I was just trying to separate the two conversations and respond appropriately even though they were literally talking over top of each other. Now in the midst of the two conversations, the radio was also playing. I could hear the music in the background, but wasn't really listening to the words. All of a sudden Keeton stopped mid-sentence and said, "Mama, turn that song up. Aydie, shhh. listen. This is it! It's my song!" The only way Keeton could have remotely heard the song on the radio was by God allowing him to hear it in his spirit. With all the chaos in the car and Keeton's hearing struggles, there is no way he heard it with his physical hearing. I turned up the song just as it was getting to the chorus and looked in the rearview mirror at Keeton. Remember, Keeton was small. At five years old, he weighed 20 pounds soak and wet with his shoes on and his pockets full of rocks. He was still in a high-back 5-point harness car seat, so he was sitting up pretty high. (Side-note: Keeton never made it on the growth chart until he was 11 years-old. And even then, it was for his height, and he was in the third percentile.) His little head was resting against the back to the seat, and his eyes were closed. When the chorus came back on, he began to mouth the words.  

We pulled into the driveway at home, and Keeton didn't budge. He didn't open his eyes. He simply whispered, "Let's just sit here until it is over." We sat there until the song went off. Keeton still didn't move. Most of the time, he was fighting with the buckle on the car seat trying to get out. He would wiggle and move until I unhooked his buckle. And if I was moving too slow, he would carry on until Ayden would let him out. Not this day. He was so still as he waited for me to help me get out.

He walked into the house and immediately asked for me to find the song. Thankfully I remembered enough of the lyrics to look up this newly released song. That night I listened to Sanctus Real's "Confidence" on repeat for hours. The next day Pappy Facetimed us. He was in another country, so he was checking in. Keeton jumped in my lap as soon as he heard Pappy's voice and yelled, "Pappy, I have my song! God gave me my song!" And then Keeton proceeded to sing it for him. And then Keeton sang it for Pastor David who happened to be traveling with Pappy. 

From that day, Keeton sang "Confidence" everywhere. It literally became his prayer. We could always tell when Keeton was having a tough day because he would sing it back-to-back. Once Ayden asked him if he could sing a different song. Keeton's response was, "No Aydie, I can't. Giants are already pretty big, so think about how big giants are to itty bitty me. I have to sing it more, so I can 'member how to defeat my giants. Just sing it with me!" He sang it in the shower, on the basketball court, to go to sleep at night, in the store, literally everywhere, at anytime he felt he needed it. The confidence everyone saw was the result of praying that song since February 2018.

I can say with CONFIDENCE that our fireball truly had

"Faith like Daniel in the lions' den

Hope like Moses in the wilderness

Heart like David, [God was his] defense

[Keeton] faced [his] giants with confidence."

When trying to decide about music for the boys' celebration of life service, I knew exactly what song had to be played for Keeton. And while "Confidence" is Sanctus Real's song, most people who interacted with Keeton or were at the service affectionately call it Keeton's song.  And in the time from July 2023-March 2024, "Confidence" was my prayer song too. I was facing the biggest giant, worst storm, unspeakable odds, highest mountain, lowest valley, and whatever else you want to call it. Every prayer was a plea for strength to make it through. On my toughest days, I hear Keeton singing in the shower, and I pray for confidence like Keeton. 

So what changed in March? I don't know the details, but somehow Carpenter's Shop in Ahoskie, NC ended up on Sanctus Real's concert tour. As soon as I found out, I knew I had to be there. I knew it would be difficult, but I knew Keeton would give me a stern talking to when I got to heaven if I didn't go. Scott and I purchased our tickets and prepared our very fragile hearts for the concert. On March 18, 2024, nine days before Keeton's birthday, we gathered with so many in the community and welcomed JJ Weeks, Unspoken, and Sanctus Real. 

I will say that I had some anxiety about this concert. I knew as soon as I heard the first notes of "Confidence," I would become an emotional wreck. Plus, I really wanted to share with the group how much they impacted my sweet boy. I wanted them to know how much their song changed our lives, but I wasn't sure if I would get the opportunity. Well, God had something special for me that night. I am not sure how many songs from the set list the group had played, but as they began to play their next song, I felt a shift in the atmosphere. Within three notes, I felt like whatever song they were playing was written for me. It was my song. I knew exactly how Keeton felt when he first heard "Confidence." By the time I heard the third line of the song, I absolutely knew it was for me.

"There's a mother with a broken heart

Praying for her grief to end."

The song goes on to talk about how everyone is searching for victory and freedom in some way, but that we can only find it in the work of the cross and the empty grave. Ultimately, the hope lies in the day when we get to sing victory with the angels and the saints who have gone on before us. Now, Sanctus Real had no idea who I was or the situation, so they didn't write this song just for me. Just like Keeton needed a song that served as a prayer, I needed my own prayer song. And how amazing is it that the same band penned both or our prayer songs. Plus, it was right on time. Well, it was kind of on time. This was their new song entitled "Victory" that was not scheduled to be released until April 19, 2024. That meant I had to wait to hear my prayer song.

That's not all that happened that night. Pastor Wallace took a few minutes prior to the concert to share with one of the members of Sanctus Real about Ayden and Keeton. He shared a video of Keeton dancing and told him how much Keeton loved "Confidence." And after singing "Victory," they dedicated "Confidence" to my boys. As predicted, I cried. I am pretty sure whole church gathered with us at the alter and cried with us as we prayed Keeton's prayer song. 

And yes, I did have the opportunity to talk with Dustin Lolli and Chris Rohman after the concert and share with them how "Confidence" changed not only Keeton's life, but the entire family's by default. Let's call it like it is. This was Keeton's world, and we had the privilege of living in it! If Keeton said this was our song, it was our song. I was also able to bless them with some of the A&K's Hope merch to take with them. And finally, I asked them when "Victory" would be released. That is why April 19th was such an important date to me. That was the day I would get to "hear" my prayer song again. Since its release, I have done exactly like Keeton. I have listened to it on repeat on the days that just require more effort. There are some days when I just need to keep praying the victory until that calm takes over.

And oh what a day it is going to be when I am completely set free, and I walk into eternal victory. And don't think I haven't already told Jesus to have my boys waiting to greet me when my work here is finished. Whether it is by the gates or in the air, I long to be reunited with them as soon as possible. After I look on Jesus' face, I want to see my boys and hug them the equivalency of how much I miss them. But while I wait for that day, I will pray Keeton's song and my song and claim the confidence and victory.