November 2, 2023

Christmas has always been a big deal in our house. And while this may be controversial for some, Santa did NOT play a role in Christmas at our house. There were no gifts left mysteriously by a jolly elf in a red suit. Yes, we gave gifts, but we focused on the ultimate gift: Jesus. We established Christmas traditions, but fictional characters had no role. We did use this time to educate Ayden and Keeton on the various ways people choose to celebrate the holidays, but we always brought it back to what and why WE celebrate Christmas with not only the birth of Jesus, but His death and resurrection. 

Now, this post is about a tradition I started with the boys several years ago. From the year they were born, I purchased ornaments to signify something great the boys' accomplished individually or something we did as a family during the year. They received their "special" ornaments on Christmas Eve. In 2016, Ayden made a decision about the Christmas tree. Ornaments could not go on the tree unless they had a story or memory. In fact he said, "Mama, you just soon throw away all the plain ornaments from those packages cause they don't have stories." From that point on, every ornament on the tree had a story. When the boys decorated the tree, they told each story. Because of Ayden's connection to ornaments and memories, I set out to make sure both boys had a tree's worth of stories and memories when they moved out and began their own Christmas traditions. 

In 2018, I added a new component to the ornament tradition. They would still receive their accomplishment ornament, but I would also make an ornament for the boys each year. Sometimes I would make enough for the cousins, but it depended on the year and how much time I had to make extras. Even though I sold crochet ornaments at craft fairs, I never sold any that used the same pattern as the ornaments I made for the boys. Ayden called them the Mama Exclusive because he said they were limited editions. And even though the boys would often sit with me as I crocheted, I always worked on the Mama Exclusive after they went to bed, so they were completely surprised.  The last five years' ornaments are pictured above.

During the spring of 2023, I thought I would get a jumpstart on the ornament making to make sure I had time to include all the children in the family. I designed the ornament for the next five years, and made 25 Mama Exclusives for the next three years to make sure all the cousins got a Mama Exclusive. I packed them in containers ready to be added to the gifts for Christmas 2023, 2024, and 2025. I was working on the 2026 ornaments. I was feeling so proud of myself for not letting procrastination win. 

And then, the accident happened, and life changed. Since we were having so many guests in and out of the house everything in the common areas was moved. In the shuffling of items, the container with this year's ornaments was moved to my bedroom floor. After everyone left for the day, Scott and I set about preparing for another night of little sleep.  My knees crumpled under me as soon as I picked up the box. What was I going to do with 25 crochet ornaments designed to resemble a gift box. 2023 is certainly not a gift for us. This tradition of making ornaments was created for Ayden and Keeton, and now they are gone. I wanted them to have trees full of ornaments with stories. They will never have their own tree. They will never tell their children the stories behind the ornaments. They will never get excited over opening Mama Exclusive again.

In full transparency, I stayed stuck in that "never again" and all the emotions that went with it for several days. In fact, I find myself in the "never agains" more than I would like right not. No one was pressuring me to do anything about the containers of ornaments, but I felt I needed to make a decision. With so much uncertainty and situations outside of my control, I found myself hurrying to make decisions on what I could control. I could decide what I did with a set of ornaments that no one even knew existed. Besides, I couldn't even imagine picking up a crochet hook to make anything ever again. Ayden and Keeton loved to watch me create. They celebrated when I made new things, helped me troubleshoot when something looked off, and challenged me to make specific items outside of my comfort zone. I just didn't see myself being able to continue with my hobby because they were no longer here. I finally decided just to put the ornaments in the attic, along with all the random yarn I had been using the days before. I was going to put the decision off until next year.  Ornaments were going to be placed on hold. 

And then I found my Mother's Day present from Ayden and Keeton in the pile of random yarn. They bought me two skeins of yarn. One was cream with gold, and one was red. It was not uncommon for them to buy me yarn. They knew they could never go wrong. They knew the types of yarn I used for various projects. Now, most of the time they told me what to make with the yarn they purchased, but on Mother's Day they told me to choose what to make. I realized as difficult as it was going to be, I knew I could not just give up on my hobby. I could not let that become the beginning of me losing myself in the grief. 

As Scott and I prepared to head to Ohio to complete some tasks on the boys' lists, I found myself back at my collection of yarn. I always crochet while Scott drives, so I figured I would take a project with me in case I decided to make something. I looked online for some inspiration and saw a picture of a cross. I grabbed a random color and worked on creating a pattern. I needed to make something new and different for me. I needed to find peace and healing while I was creating. 

In those moments I decided that I was going to still have ornaments for the children in the family, but it wouldn't be the ones I created earlier in the year. I was going to make ornaments in the shape of a cross because the cross provided the way for each of us to spend eternity in heaven. Because of Ayden and Keeton's decisions to accept Christ as their Lord and Savior, I know I will see them again. They arrived in heaven early and are waiting for me.

After making the a few prototypes, I had an idea. For the first time, I am selling the Mama Exclusive ornament for $10 each. This year, the Mama Exclusive will be called the Ayden and Keeton's Hope Memorial Ornament. All money made from the selling the ornaments will go into Ayden and Keeton's Hope. It is my hope that the cross ornaments will serve as a reminder of Ayden and Keeton's love of Jesus as well as His sacrifice for all mankind. 

Will there be an Ayden and Keeton's Hope Memorial Ornament next year? I don't know. I am just trying to make it through this first Christmas one ornament at a time.