July 16, 2023 (One week after the accident)
I’ve always had the power of words, but this has been a week where words have failed. They fail me now. And that is ok.
There are a lot of unanswered questions about the accident itself. And that is ok.
There have been waves of emotion that have gently rocked us at some points and knocked us over at others. And that is ok too.
On July 9th my role as mama changed forever. While my title remains the same, my job description changed. I faced answering the most difficult questions I ever thought I would have to answer as a parent, and I made some of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make this week. They were not difficult because of the choices, but because of the circumstances. Nothing ever prepares parents for this kind of situation. What clothes do I bury them in? How do I pick a casket? Will the casket be open? Where are they going to be buried? How do I plan a service that honors two amazing little boys, but isn't depressing? How do I make sure that their friends don't remember the boys in a sad way, but with love, joy, hope, and laughter they embodied everyday? How do I plan a service that lets their individuality shine when it is a combined service? How do I pick pall bearers? What flowers do I pick that represent them? Where are we going to hold this service that will accommodate their family and friends? When is the service going to be scheduled, so their out-of-town family has time to get here? What music do I choose that will inspire people to praise God in the midst of the sadness because the boys wouldn't have had it any other way?
I could go on and on listing the questions I had to answer in the days following their departure for heaven. The point would remain the same: no one tells you these things. Let's face it, even if someone had told me, I still wouldn't have been prepared to answer the questions.
And amidst all these decisions, I have to figure out how to say "see you later" to my only two biological children. I couldn't say goodbye, because I know I am going to see them again. I don't know how long it is going to be, but I will be joining them in heaven. They are saving a place for me (and you too).
I have no idea what life looks like with this double-size void because we were a unit. Ayden, Keeton, and I literally went everywhere together. They went to work with me on teacher workdays, got on and off the bus at the high school, and even spent much of their summer in the halls while I taught summer school. During virtual learning, they were my office mates. Ayden and Keeton joined me at sporting events when I had gate duty. I rarely went to the grocery store without them. They were my adventure partners. There is no place where their presence does not linger. And that is ok too.
In the midst of all the questions I had to answer, there were so many questions I couldn't answer. What are you going to do about work? How do you want to handle the boys' things? How do I live without them? What is my purpose now that they are gone? While my answer to a lot of questions right now is, “I don’t know,” I do know that I’m holding onto the One who does know and guides my steps.
Yesterday (the day of the funeral) I had a few tasks to complete that were the hardest yet. All week I was caught up in making decisions, answering calls and texts, and planning for the service. Due to rain, we could not go to the cemetery for a the graveside service. The funeral home took the boys to their final resting place while the family ate lunch and waited for the rain to stop. Once it was over I had to go to that place that will forever be marked as theirs because the day wouldn't be complete until I went. I had to tell the boys how incredibly proud I was of them. I told them all the time how awesome I thought they were, but I had to tell them one more time how proud I was because of how they lived their lives. They needed to know the world missed them. With over 500 people at the celebration of life service and over 3,000 views online, the world was grieving. This is certainly the world's loss and Ayden and Keeton's gain. I had to tell them, "well done, boys." They truly made an impact on the world for the kingdom. I also needed to tell them just how blessed I am to be chosen as their mama. And oh what a joy it is to be their mama!
With every day and every decision, I thought I was conquering what I deemed as the "hardest" moments, but I was wrong. There is nothing about the situation that can be categorized as anything but hard. Everything is a different degree of difficulty. Standing at their final resting place, I realized that I would have to leave and they were staying. I was going to have to turn, walk away, and leave them there. Yes I had been to the funeral home a couple of times during the week, but this time made it final. It may sound odd, but leaving made me feel like I was abandoning them. I felt like I was turning my back on them and leaving them behind. I knew I couldn't stand there in the rain. Plus, we still had family and friends visiting.
As I prayed for the strength to take those steps and drive away, God reminded me of His promises. A rainbow appeared at the cemetery. The rainbow was not a sign from the boys telling me they were ok. It is always a sign of God’s promise not to destroy the earth by water. The rainbow reminded me that God keeps His promises. He works all things for good for those who love Him. And as big as this event is and as bad as it hurts, the good that is happening and will happen has to be even bigger because that is who God is and what He does. God will not let tragedy and pain outdo Him.
Words fail me again to say just how much we appreciate the love we have been shown this week. The prayers, messages, hugs, food, acts of love, monetary gifts, and stories mean so much to us. We are so blessed to be surrounded by so many people who love us and love our boys.
The legacy Ayden and Keeton leave is so big. They literally changed the world. They are still changing the world. Yes, to know Ayden and Keeton was to love them. But more importantly, to know Ayden and Keeton was to be loved by them. I can confidently say that our boys did their jobs on this earth. At 13 and 11-years-old, they worked the fields they were planted in and were obedient in following the Great Commission. They did not let their age deter them from accomplishing what God sent them to do on this earth. They walked their faith and were about the Father’s business.
So now I leave you with this question: are you?