November 23, 2023

Everything I write is a labor of love and tears. I write to help me through this journey from brokenness to healing, but I also write to share what I learn with others. I am ministering in an area I never thought I would have the knowledge or experience to even attempt to offer support. I try to be very transparent about what I am facing and the lessons I am learning along the way. Every lesson and revelation is difficult because of the situation, and let's face it, I don't always like the answers God provides. The fleshly me wants to stomp her feet and cross her arms until God gives her exactly what she wants. That mindset is what brings me to this lesson about gratitude. 

Today is Thanksgiving, and I have been struggling to have an attitude of gratitude the last couple of weeks. I make it a point to try to see the good God is doing, but it does require me to see beyond my circumstance. With effort, I can list things I am thankful for, but I can't stay in that thankfulness mindset beyond the time I am making my list. During church on Sunday, Pastor Joy reminded the congregation about being thankful and how this season could be difficult for those "missing" loved ones this year. Immediately, I thought about the two empty seats at the table. I thought about the two empty places in my heart. That emptiness is a giant void. And while I can work to try to make the void not as evident, the emptiness will always exist because the two who occupied that space moved to their heavenly address. More children, activities, and material possessions cannot and will not fill that void. Plus it would be mighty hard for someone or something to even attempt to fill the void. Even though they are young, they have mighty big shoes to fill. And to be honest, the void has a unique shape because it is shaped just like Ayden and Keeton. There will never be anyone or anything shaped just like them. Plus, the void isn't just shaped like them, it is shaped like their relationship. There is a picture I use often of the boys where Keeton is tucked up against Ayden's right side and Ayden has his arm around Keeton. That is the exact visual of their relationship with each other. Ayden stepped right into the role of Keeton's warrior and protector the day Keeton arrived. Keeton knew where to get when he needed his big brother: tucked up against Ayden's side. So in essence, this is the shape of the void this Thanksgiving holiday. I added the image at the top to help you visualize the shape.

Back to Sunday morning. During that moment, I could not find a way to be thankful. I cried because I was missing the boys, but I cried because I felt so ashamed that I wasn't able to find a way to remain grateful. I pleaded with God to forgive me, but also to show me how to be appreciative during this time. And very clearly, my spirit heard, "Be thankful for the void." This statement caused me to just put a pause on life. I completely tuned out what was happening in church around me because I was in shock. I wasn't sure I "heard" correctly, And if I "heard" correctly, I certainly didn't understand what in the world it meant to "be thankful for the void." And when I don't understand, I ask because James 1:5 reminds us to ask when we lack wisdom. What in the world do you mean, Lord? How am I supposed to be thankful for what is missing? My whole dilemma with being thankful is that I can't get beyond the missing and emptiness, much less know how to be thankful that the emptiness exists? The void is so painful on every level that I cannot comprehend finding the gratitude in the pain. The missing becomes my sole focus. 

With the very next breath, an aha-moment occurred. You see, in order for there to be a void, there had to be something there in the first place. You can't have a hole unless something significant is removed, leaving the space vacant. Yes, the boys were significant because they are my children, but that space holds more significance. I suddenly looked at the void differently. I began to see the void as what I gained, not what I lost. So what did I gain in the 13 years Ayden and 11 years Keeton walked my journey with me?

They showed me how to:

I didn't know it was possible to love someone that much until I held them in my arms. I was overcome by the sudden need to protect them from harm, while watching them grow into the people God called them to be. My heart exploded with pride every time I watched them do what they did best.

Ayden was the voice of reason and logic (for the most part), and Keeton was the spontaneity (the sprinkles in my funfetti cake). Ayden was my calm and my rock. Keeton was my smile and comic relief. 

I faced some mighty difficult life moments with these two boys. Ayden could see beyond the storm to find a solution, and Keeton could see the fun in dancing in the rain.

When I was ready to throw in the towel and try something else, they gave me the reason to not only keep going, but the strength to strive for better.

Both boys had the gift for seeing life differently. Ayden could look beyond the circumstances to see the end result and plan out the steps to get there. Most of the time his steps only made sense to him, but it worked. Keeton knew that every situation needed laughter. He was the joy, laughter, and sunshine. He absolutely saw the seriousness of life, but he knew how to spin the seriousness to bring others (and himself) pure joy.

Both boys loved God and loved people. Because of their loves, they held onto the hope that people would be saved and spend eternity in heaven. They had big dreams to reach the world for Jesus, and they are. 

Now, I could keep listing all that I gained from Ayden and Keeton, but I think you get the idea. When I first started thinking about the gains, the void seemed more prominent. It made me miss them even more. In fact, I thought I had heard wrong about the void again, but I felt a silent encouragement to keep listing. After listing a few more gains, I realized that void and gain go hand-in-hand. 

Suddenly the lines around the void blurred and my focus shifted. I am who I am today because God gave me Ayden and Keeton. I saw not only the gain in spite of the void, but I saw beyond the void. I finally found that attitude of gratitude in the midst of grief. I was flooded by all the amazing things I gained in such a short time from being Ayden and Keeton's mama. From there, I saw what the world gained because two little boys loved God and loved people.

Will the void ever be filled? No, not here. However, I realized that this void is accompanied by hope. The emptiness isn't as overwhelming when there is hope. I know where they are, and when my job on earth is finished, I am going to them. When I get my arms around them again, that void will be nonexistent. 

Therefore, when I get to the place where I can't find gratitude, I pray that God reminds me that I am who I am because of who He is and what He has given me. He gave me two boys who are still helping me become exactly who God called me to be. 

And today, I am thankful for the void.