That's God

That's God (August 14, 2023)

This is probably one of the hardest moments I have written about because it required a very difficult action on my part.

A quick glance at the picture, and one would think that this is some dirty hat that needs a good washing, but it is so much more. Ayden bought this hat for Keeton while he was staying on the Maasai Mara. Ayden flew home on July 4 and delivered the hat to Keeton who was already at his dad’s on July 5. Ayden brought another gift home for Keeton, but he wanted to wait until they both returned on July 9th to present Keeton with his other gift. Ayden's other gift to Keeton matched a gift Ayden received after his first trip and he wanted to make sure nothing happened to it. (I will write about Keeton's other gift later). Unfortunately, Ayden never got the chance to give Keeton his other gift.

The accident claiming Ayden and Keeton's life occurred on a very busy road. It is a road I travel quite frequently. Unless you know what you are looking for, you would easily drive by and not realize it is the place where they took their final breaths. I drove past "the place" multiple times in the weeks following their transition to heaven, but I couldn't bear to stop. Five weeks after the accident I finally had the courage and strength to stop. 

In the five weeks prior, various members of my family went the accident site looking for answers and for three specific items the boys typically had with them: Ayden’s bracelet from Kenya, Ayden’s earbuds, and Keeton’s bracelet (a gift from a friend). Highway Patrol has also tried to help us in the search. There has been no success in locating these items that meant so much to the boys. Since the items are small, we knew they would be hidden by grass if they were even out there because so much time has passed. Plus we had multiple thunderstorms over the last five weeks and times of very high wind.

Yesterday, Scott and I stopped by the site to see if we could find the items. Do I have to have these items? No, but they were important to the boys, so they are important to me. Scott got out and looked all around for about 10 minutes while I prayed and gathered the strength to get out of the car and stand where the boys said goodbye to us and hello to Jesus. I prayed as I got out of the car to find the three missing items. Walking up, I scanned my right and left hoping to see the bracelets and earbud case laying on top of the grass. Once I got to the location where the car came to a stop, I had to take a moment to focus on just breathing. It was so overwhelming to stand there. Tears filled my eyes to the point that I could not see.  I looked down to try to regroup and  laying on top of all the grass, not hidden at all, right where countless people walked, was Ayden’s gift to Keeton: the hat. In all that has occurred, I completely forgot about that hat’s existence until I looked down and saw it. I can’t even fathom the number of people who were there on the 9th who stepped over this hat. I don’t know how many times people have stopped since the accident and stepped over this hat. Even Scott stepped over the hat and never saw it. Even when Scott saw it, he thought it was a random lost hat. 

How many cars have driven by? How much wind has blown in the last month? And yet there it was right on top of the grass. I held it in my hand and ran my fingers over the embroidery. I turned it over and saw it was adjusted to fit Keeton’s sweet little head. Was Keeton wearing it in those last moments? I don't think so. I do know it was with him and probably fell out either when the EMTs moved Keeton from the car or when the car was being towed away. Either way, the hat was there for five weeks. This hat could have easily been "found" and technically should have been “found” numerous times, but it was in that moment that I realized that it was found the moment it needed to be found by the person who needed to find it. 

I found it… 5 weeks after… the first time I stood in that place… and that’s God. 

No, God did not put the hat on the ground five weeks after the accident. The hat was there the entire time. No, God did not prevent others from finding it. The first responders were focused on saving the boys and their dad. They weren't looking for personal items. The family and troopers who went looking for their bracelets and earbuds weren't looking for the hat. They looked for what I asked them to look for. 

We still didn’t find what we were looking for, but we found what we needed:- a simple dirty hat to the outside observer, but for us it’s a gift from a big brother to his little brother. It’s a physical item that symbolizes the connection they had. (Even when they were on trips separately, they bought each other gifts first.) It’s an unexplainable peace that rested on us located at the place where they left us and entered heaven. It’s what we didn’t even know we needed to find. It's a message and revelation about life that I needed in that very moment. 

And y’all, that’s all God.

Sometimes what we are looking for based on what we think we need and what God knows we need are not the same. If we get so caught up in looking for something, we can get tunnel vision. We focus on what we are looking for in a specific form that we can't see beyond it. Sometimes we get caught up in the act of looking. If that occurs, we just might miss God providing what we need in that moment. I am so thankful I didn’t have tunnel vision yesterday. In essence, we found what we were looking for -a physical item representing a connection to Ayden and Keeton- it just wasn’t in the package we were expecting. We were looking for three items that connected to the boys individually. Instead, we got one item which represented who they were to each other. And I got a  reminder to not become so focused on the loss and pain that I miss the healing and the gain.

All I can say is… that’s God.